So much has been made about the subject of transparency. Its been said that we need a transparent government, a transparent financial system, transparent corporations with transparent practices. How about transparent parents? Should we as parents be completely honest with our children? Should our children see through our goals, desires, dreams and household business? When I think of transparency I think of communication. Communication is the vehicle you take to the destination of Transparency. So I communicated to get to the bottom of how my children felt about this subject?
I asked their appointed mouth piece, Lauren my 11 year old what she thought about mommy sharing in all honesty our household business; and since the financial crisis has been all over the news I decided to frame the conversation around our family finances. I asked her would she be interested in knowing what our financial situation was and how this affects her? She wanted to know the how this would affect her part. Her response surprised me, she said kids want to know some of your business, not too much nor too little. This was an Aha! moment for me. At that moment, I realized that children want normalcy, a middle ground, we think as parents that we have that if we speak to our children we have to go to the extreme and reveal everything, but that is a learned adult trait. Children know what a grey area is innately. Basically, answer the questions they ask as honestly as possible, not having to delve into areas that they are not ready for. I strongly believe that when they ask that means they are ready to know.
I then said to her if I explained our financial goals she would understand better how this trickles down to her, why mommy says no so much. She agreed. See my financial goals should also be theirs. If they and I own our goals they would be easier to achieve. Our conversation reinforced that children understand much more that we think they do. Mine understand whats going on even when I don't talk to them about it. So its better that I engage them in conversation regarding the things that affects their everyday lives and their future. When saying no to them for some of their requests, like going to the movies every weekend or purchasing an item every time we go shopping. I ask them to suggest something we can do as a family that's for free or I say lets bake cookies at home instead of buying something. They begin to feel powerful in the role they play in the family, part of the decision making process. When ever a financial goal is accomplished, I intend to celebrate with them, my partners for our progress and great accomplishment.
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Lauren is well beyond her years. She is wise and in tuned with herself and all that surrounds her. Her perceptiveness is due to you mothering with openness; assigning to her the exact amount of responsibilities, sharing necessary information, giving her wings so that she knows how to navigate through confrontations; and to also appreciate the value of goodness in all that she encounters. At the same time, she understands the burden of knowing all of your grown-up business and is aware of her capacity to be overloaded with unnecessary information. Lauren wants to continue to be a child.
ReplyDeleteAs a parent it is always a battle of finding that middle ground; should I expose my child now or latter, isn’t he or she too young, when is the right time, how much do I tell them, how honest can I be. These are all questions that parents struggle with. The only way of figuring out how ready your child is to hear all of your business is by asking; exactly what you did with Renny and Zion(and Shi I’m sure had a lot to say).
As a mother, I hope to be as open with mine, as you are with yours. I hope that when the time comes and Jazzy is old enough, I am able to communicate with her openly and honestly, and at the same time, try to protect her innocence as long as I can.