Divine Intervention

Here I am feeling some apprehension and some fear over a life changing event in the works. Its seems as if at once, I could have the opportunity to purse my dream life, and I am lagging behind my destiny. Tonight, I have one thing in mind and that is Divine Intervention. Other words for intervention are interference and interruption. Divine interference and interruption can be defined as a miracle. Sometimes, as a matter of fact most if not all of the time, you are not quite ready for the divine to intervene/interrupt your life. I have been working on faith for some time now and this is a how faith plays out. When you are interrupted your current path, when your current well laid out plans are interfered with, do you realize that it could be the divine miracle? Working for your best interest, aiding you in fulfilling your life's purpose, answering your very prayers, laying out for you a different, better path.

Receiving, the joy in giving

My holiday was great. Though I must admit, it was exhausting and at the same time incredibly satisfying. The lesson for me this holiday season was to learn how to receive. Giving comes easy to me, as it probably does to most mothers, for that matter, women in general. Receiving well that has to be developed. In order to receive anything you have to learn how to ask, and for most of us growing up with parents from the generation that believed your needs will be provided to you and anything beyond that was just plain out of the goodness of their heart, asking does not come naturally. Learning to ask for what you want is an on going lesson for me. Prior to the holidays, the kids would ask what did I want, I told them to use their imagination. In all reality there is plenty I want, books to read, journals to write, gloves to wear, etc. But listing these seemed too self involved. I find that I do this often with the man I spend my life with, its as if I want him to know my wants telepathically....but this is another post all together.

As I make my 2009 Becoming ME List - I like this way more than resolutions, being more self involved will be top on that list, which of course has to do with what value I place on myself. So valuing me more will also be high on that list. This season and all others receive with as much confidence as you would if you were the one giving. Say thank you and savior the moment that someone else thought you were special enough to think of you in such a memorable and beautiful way. Receiving well is the joy to be had in giving!

Zion and Katara

Zion he is my dreamer. From the time Zion was born he would stare at me. As a matter of fact, when the doctor handed me him we could not take our eyes off each other. Its always felt that there was a familiarity of our spirits. I still catch him starring at me. Most who know him would describe him as a cool kid. I attest to many that my cool kid was raised on herbal tea, he drank catnip tea as a child and loved it, to explain his coolness, but it goes beyond that. He is the one I tell my dreams and hopes because he is as protective and convinced as I am about them. He holds my hand and says I love you at any given time. Recently while spending the afternoon in my bed, I described to him in confidence my courageous and powerful alter ego and asked him to suggest a name for her. He asked where did she live? I said the ocean. He said so when you are afraid she helps you to be strong? I said yes and he named her Katara....and I said Perfect!!!

I am not afraid of the Dark

As I get older, I am becoming exposed, exposed to my darkness. I embrace this other side of me that I have tried to cover-up and hide. Its the part of me that makes me interesting, unique, fun and whole! I am of the ocean and I am ruled by the moon. As the moon phases changes so does mine. I can have a phase where not much light shines from me. That is my darkness, those are the nights that you nor I see my fullness. Then I begin to regain that fullness slowly; and you will see me emerge anew. As the moon cycles, so does our bodies, and then I am full with the possibilities of life. But as with any cycle, I will begin to wane and become dark. It is necessary to know this dark side, in order to experience my light side. I have learned not be afraid of the dark, because there are many lessons to be learned by living inward.

Beautiful Winter

I am not a person who enjoys the cold, but I am appreciating this Winter. I am beginning to celebrate the endings as well as the beginnings, yes even for the seasons. The Druid's Herbal says that Winter is the "Time for preconception, the time from which new ideas and new life will ultimately spring." The wisdom of nature shows us that as the trees abandoned their leaves and take root, going within themselves to be reborn again, so should we. Abandon all external concerns and go deep within yourself and examine how it is that we would want to be reborn this Spring. So this Winter take the time to get warm and comfortable and dream, dream vivid dreams and write them down and in Spring celebrate the new you!

Lifelines

Do you have a lifeline? Do you have that one person that you can call at 1:00 a.m. and you know that they will answer the phone and stay on as long as you need them? I am beginning to measure my life, which I now believe is a sign of me getting old, but anyway, I am measuring my life by the times I have been there for a friend when I was needed. Did I or do I go out of my way, seriously out of my way for one of my girlfriends, without them having to ask, but rather because I knew they needed me? When was the last time I just visited a friend who I knew was lonely? When was the last time I offered myself to an overwhelmed friend for the afternoon? Will I answer my phone at 1:00 am. when they call? It may not be important, but that one time I could be a lifeline! And the universe rotates on reciprocity.

Could I be a hater?

When we begin to not like someone for what they possess something that we don't, or may they have been blessed in a way that we have not. Or maybe they possess a physical quality that we just don't find appealing, we are beginning to sow seeds of hate. I know, hate seems like such a strong word. I don't like it, I even hate using it to describe a possible quality that I might have. However, the very foundation of hate is jealously, disregard, disrespect, feeling of separateness, us against them. All of which I have manifested on more than on occasion. Hate takes a hold of you when you least expect it, as a matter of fact it shows up when you swear that you don't possess it. We find ourselves manifesting it to our partners, friends, coworker, parents, sibling, whoever. Pretty soon no one is immune from our dislike. I am making 2009 a year of less hate and will make a conscious effort to try manifesting the polar opposite of hate. Would you join me in my quest to stop being a hater. Love!

Joy to the world

At this time of year the word joy is used often. We will sing about it, we might sign our name to it on our christmas cards, it surrounds us. It no wonder that I thought a great deal about joy in the last two days, I wonder why it was that I am not more joyful or full or joy on a daily basis. With so much going on in our world today, we all need to be reminded to find joy, yes we have to seek it out. The first place to look, is when we wake up in the morning, we are alive, there is such a pure and simple joy in being alive. Joy is defined as the response to feelings of happiness, experiences of pleasure, and awareness of abundance. Celebrate the moments of happiness you notice as you go through your day. When something good happens, call a friend and share the joy. Dance at your Christmas party, jump for joy, laugh heartly, as often as possible. Feel yourself become full with joy.

Exeprience pleasure, one way we can do this is by inviting joy in to our lives this holiday season by giving more than we receive, yes more. Give without expecting to get in return -- you know, "There is more joy in giving than there is in receiving".

Next become aware of our abundance, remember how extremely lucky we are to have all the things we possess. Feelings of gratitude creates a true sense of joy, the joy of being blessed. Then remember we have the power as to how much joy we create in our lives....Enjoy!

Right on Thyme/Time

Yesterday on my herbal blog I wrote about the herb Thyme and in reviewing my notes, I came across an interesting use of Thyme. It is said that using Thyme helps the user develop a better relationship with time. Boy do I need that, I am thinking intravenously. I have a damaged relationship with time, I constantly feel like there is not enough of it and its not on my side. Its been a part of my bedtime routine for years to fall asleep counting the hours I have left to sleep before its time to wake. You know, if I go to sleep now I can have four, five, six hours of sleep before the alarm... I know I cannot be alone in this. It seems like we move through life counting the hours, minutes, and seconds before our next move. For anything done while counting time is devalued, a devalued moment, a devalued hour and a devalued life. So tonight I am making a conscious effort to take my eyes off the clock and focus on whats in front of me...the present.

Becoming...

I am coming into my own and the more I do so the more I am free to just live my life. You may think that if others knew the real you they would be shocked. I think, the will embrace you for being you. You see, most times if they love you, they already know who you are, because some times we confuse the love we get with the love we give, or Vice versa.

From the Beginning

I was born in village as pictured above. I was born at home on a Friday and was the last child of four. The Essequibo Coast is bordered by the Atlantic Ocean and the Essequibo River. From my Grandmother's window you have an uninterrupted view of the Ocean and the progressive Horizon. In our village we relied heavily on these water ways for all our needs. We feed ourselves and maintained every aspect of our lives including transportation using these water ways. Our major source of light was moonlight, we had no refrigerators so we only cooked what could be eaten by the family in that day. We planted gardens and ate the produce. It was a small village and every one knew each other by name. Our free time was spent as you see above, being. Being one with our surroundings. Through my adult life I have always felt a strong connection to where I was born. Can you tell the person I am and the person I will become from knowing where I was born? Can you tell who you truly are and who you will become by looking at where you were born? I bet you can. The time, place, date and of course the alignments of the planets are direct indicators of who YOU are. This reminder that no matter where your life takes you to never forget where your life started.

Thank You

I am fortunate and so are you to have true friends. Friendship is defined by Webster as supportive behavior between two or more beings. Support is defined as to hold in position so as to keep from falling, sinking, or slipping. To bear the weight of, especially from below. My friends provide me with that level of support. They keep me from falling, literally as well as figuratively, sinking or slipping. They bear the weight especially from below; such that the things they do to support me, are done without expectation of public recognition. Its as if they operate below the surface to keep me standing and intact. Tonight I am issuing a great THANK YOU to you all for your support and ask you to continue to stand by me as they have always done.

Push On

I am moving ahead in being the the woman I have always wanted to be. The one I was created to be. I am moving ahead because my dreams are taking flight and most of all because I cannot be left behind. I strive to be relevant in the eyes of my children so that at every juncture I can relate to them. Its deeper than providing an example for them its more of being their Inspiration.

Amazing Grace

Last night before I feel asleep I recognize the presence of Amazing Grace in my life. I was filled with pure humility for yet another chance to succeed. Grace is defined as the enabling power sufficient for progression or the necessary power to succeed. Divine Grace is defined as an indispensable gift from God for development, improvement, and character expansion. With this gift we can overcome our inherent limitations, weaknesses, and faults.

Divine Grace also can be defined as God's empowering presence in ones life enabling them to do and be what they were created to do and be. This is manifested by the multitude of chances we are given to fulfill our life's purpose. Chances to develop who we are, to truly inhabit ourselves. In spite of the many times we have abandoned our journey.

My life the River

My Lauren told me that a friend of hers noticed the that she and her brother did not look much alike and wanted to know if they had different fathers. Lauren has heard this before and knows how to answer best. Her usual answers is "Yes of course, that's why I am so much smarter." I asked her if this questions bothered her any. She said no and I believed her. I have always felt it is best to be honest with Lauren and explain why she and her brothers have different fathers. You see it was clearly not my intention as I set out on my life's path to have different fathers for my children. I recently read that what water wants to do is to basically flow downhill by the straightest possible route. Meandering is what happens when a river's best intentions were somehow thwarted. In end of course, rivers get their way and eventually succeed through the meander even if it takes a life time or more. And this is my life's story, I set out to live the straightest possible of lives, but my intentions were thwarted. In the end I hope I can eventually succeed through all my meanders and truly have a life that brought me true joy and for that I will be most proud.

Today I had to stop and listen to what my body was saying. I have been doing the most and getting very little rest, the perfect recipe for a depleted immune system. My children caught a cold and I followed suit. Today I decided to cancel everything I had to do and truly listen to my body and provide the care it required. Mostly, it needs rest. I began treating my immune system with all the things I know it loves, vitamin C, echinacea and drank peppermint tea to relax and soothe all areas that were disturbed. Sometimes in all your grand plans your body signals to you to slow down. Any illness can be taken as a direct message from the body to stop and listen to its needs. After all you are not in control of everything, as a matter of fact anything! So its going to be an early night.

The face of a modern herbalist

In my article on Urban Herbalism I address whats it like to be an herbalist living in NYC and how I keep this beautiful tradition alive and well living in the City. Here's the link http://EzineArticles.com/?id=1656264

Barack Obama - Coco Tee

Tonight as I sat here contemplating one more opportunity to volunteer. I began to feel exhausted. I realized that before I could help anyone I need to make sure that I was OK. You see Loving your Neighbor as Yourself is a biblical commandment, as a matter of fact the second commandment, superseded only by loving God. For me, I forget many times the part of the commandment that says "As you love Yourself."

Its my nature to reach to take up a cause. As a matter of fact, I felt like I was born to fight for many different causes. I am a cause junkie. But when you really think about in order to please God you have to love yourself as much as you love your neighbor. Self love is the beginning of loving. If you have read my blogs, I am still learning to love and value me as much as I value others. If I have the desire to take care of my neighbor, then I should have an equal desire to take care of myself, realizing that putting myself first does not make me selfish. Its like when you get on a plane and the crew runs through all the safety features in case anything should happen and they tell parents or those traveling with young children to first secure their oxygen mask first and then your child's; well its like that when you put yourself first, it give you the necessary ability to be able to take care of others. Do not neglect yourselves by giving all you have to others. Do you relate, let me know?

Believe - in the Possibility

Today I awoke with the word Possibility in my mind. Possibility is defined by Webster as the capability of existing, being true. When you think of it in these terms you begin to see that the very act of living/existence breeds possibilities. Being true, true to yourself, breeds even more possibilities. Other words for possibility are: conceivable, potential, opportunity. Put these together and the sum of it is, if you exist, and are true to your being, whatever you conceive, you have the potential to create the perfect opportunity. Today believe anything is possible.

President Elect Barack Obama

So much in my heart that can be put into words. Its like the faces that I saw today on the street, we needn't communicate to know what each of us was thinking. We are a part of this country and our voices will be heard today! I am an American living in a New America. God bless President Obama and his family. Yes, Daddy in your life time!

You are worthy

When my self-esteem takes a beating my self worth should kick in. I consider myself to be a confident person. I am confident in front of my peers and in front of strangers. As a matter of fact I recently took a personality test and I was found to be outgoing. So I would say my self esteem is intact for now. But even when my self esteem has been great, my self worth has not always been great. Lurking behind the exterior was and sometimes is some one who can forget the value of herself - her self worth. Your self esteem can go up and down. Its how you feel about yourself at the present time good or bad. Its changeable, it can grow if you get a promotion, a compliment or loose that hard to loose last ten pounds. Self worth is innate, you are born with it, its a gift from God. You are worthwhile person you have a value from birth. Your life is an expression of divine energy and purpose. The thing with self worth is that you can forget you have it. So what I am issuing to you is a reminder, you are worthy even if your self esteem is not quite on point today.

A Vision for Your life

Each of us needs to have a mission statement and vision statement for our lives. Major corporations and even small ones craft a vision to inspire them to success. Likewise we need a vision to inspire us to achieve beyond our own expectations. To point us in new directions and give us the determination to get there by visualizing what it would be like when we have arrived. To quote Aristotle, "the soul never thinks without a picture." So, What is the vision for your life? Where do you see your most successful self? A few years ago I was trained by the Institute of Cultural Affairs in Community Facilitation. This course gave me the skills necessary to aid community groups with whom I was working to determine and achieve their common goals as a neighborhood. One of the exercises taught to me, I want to now share with you to aid you in determining and creating a map to achieving your life's goals. Its what I use to help me to stay focused on my goals and keep them tangible.

The key is begin at the end. Imagine yourself at your most successful. The ask the following questions and write the answers down:

1. What am I doing?
2. Where am I doing it?
3. How do I look?
4. How do I feel? This is an important one, holding on that feeling will make the goal seem that much more real.
5. Who surrounds you?
6. What feels good?
7. Who are you talking to for support?
8. Who is paying you?
9. How much are you getting paid?
10. Why are they paying you and not someone else?

When answering these questions, remember that its your ultimate success story. So there are no limitations, so dream big. Think about what your perfect world would look like. Just by answering these ten questions you can see clearly where you would like to be. Next you must note where you are now and then how you will get from point A to point B becomes your goals. You goals should be distant enough so that you can work for it, but clear enough to measure progress. This can be done quarterly, yearly, every five years, whenever, as your vision for yourself becomes refined, refine your goals. Next you should create a visual representation of this exercise. This is known as a Vision Board. I have been working on creating my vision board and will share it with you later. Now start work and begin to envision the most successful YOU.

Love now

Love now...

My cousin who I love dearly and I have this most interesting way of making our daily walk to the subway more interesting. We play this game where we try to imagine the life story of people we pass. It usually ends up leading back to our very lives, which does not surprise me. If you've read my earlier blogs you know by now that I think our stories are universal. Today, I practiced our game in reverse. I wonder what people who passed me on the subway, stood next to me on the train and passed me in the street could tell about me. Could they tell my story by just looking at me? Could they see all there was in the making of ME? With that thought in mind I smiled at the man seated in front of me on the train, held enough eye contact for a New Yorker, with the elderly woman who I passed on the platform this afternoon and probably every afternoon and starred at a baby being held my his mother longer that I should have. It was as if I wanted to shout, there's more to me than meets your eye!

Above all, I realize that this game made me stop and notice humanity, all about me. I've recently seen a video called the Love Now. I don't know if many of you have seen it. Today, I called to mind the part of the video that said, and this is loosely quoted, "We make pilgrimages to see the Dalai Lama, be in the land and go to the temples of Buddha and Gandhi for some moment of hope, when we encounter divinity all around us every day.... The whole world is our temple/church." More on this later. Check out this most inspiring video at http://www.lovenowmusic.com.

I am falling in love......

With me. I am beautiful. I am beautifully human. My face and body are different than it was years ago. But I am more beautiful now than then. I look at my face and body both changed by the birth of my two children and I stare. I stare at how knowing and instantly endearing my eyes are, I see them reflected in those of my children, how my smile has become more genuine, because I know true joy, how my arms are stronger from carrying my children. How my hips are more defined from giving birth, how my hair is longer and healthier from having a baby in my womb. I love my hands, they have become softer from being used to soothe, I love my breast they can sustain life. I love my skin how it melts into that of another and provides warmth. I love my mouth, the way my lips move when I say I love you and mean it. I love the way I move, with a purpose. My nakedness is appealing and when I am clothe I stand in the center of who I am. Please accept this not a sign of conceit but rather a sign of a woman coming in to her own. Let me inspire you to stand in front of the mirror naked and stare at your reflection with the utmost desire and see yourself for who you are today and how your beauty has grown. To all my girlfriends, excuse me when I stare...I am just amazed by your beauty!

The way you understand love is the way you make love

The way you understand anything is the way you make it, why not love. I have seen my mother make Roti on many occasions, yet I cannot make Roti, why? Because I don't understand all the steps involved in making my favorite dish. I just don't get it. So it is with my sex life, it is a direct response to my current understanding of love. When I understand the woman I am, I feel sexy. It is then my sex life takes on a clarity of its own, this is manifested in me being more open and direct about what makes me feel good and what it is that I want.

In my early twenties, I was not so sure about how I wanted to be loved, because I was not so sure about myself. What I knew about sex came from the pages of Cosmopolitan magazine, I read and then I acted, what I understood was what I read, someone else's experience written out to help us understand the act of sex, a manual much as a car manual is written by someone else and it helps you figure out how to open the hood and check the oil, etc. I know now having read my car's manual how to open the hood and check the oil, but I never do it because, I just don't quite get it. Likewise, though I am grateful to Cosmo for the tips and techniques I learned, it was not my thing. My thing is what I have learned over the years, its precious to me, I gained an understanding of what it is to love myself.

In my relationships throughout the years, I have loved every which way. I loved with guilt therefore I made love with a level of shame, I loved with fear, so I made love with fearing that if I was not good enough I would be abandoned. I loved with a sense of power, not in myself, but power in the act itself, so I made love selfishly, only to hold someone else captive. These experience I can now admit were not true expressions of love.

Now that I am older and I am growing in my understanding of me and my spirit and love itself, I can make love as if I better understand it. I can be sexy and open and even use some of the tools Cosmo taught me because I understand love to be the very nature of the divine, and I am a divine being. We are here because of the power of love. The act of creation is solely based on love, and as a woman I can I become so filled with love that I can create. That's sexy!

The power of love, as I now understand it to be, is the one thing that connects each and everyone of us beyond any barriers, in race, class, or geographical divide. So yes, from a woman's standpoint, sex does get better with age. Age brings understanding, and understaning brings orgasms. And in each orgasmic moment you will begin to see flashes of your divinity.

My obvious choice - Sleep

Sleep is my redeemer. It restores me, it renews me, it refines me. When asked what are my plans this weekend I want to reply SLEEP. When asked what I want to do by my partner I want to reply SLEEP. When asked what I want for Christmas, I want to reply SLEEP, Valentine's Day, Easter, my Birthday, you know the rest. As you can tell by now, I rarely get the needed amount of sleep. I am a mother of a thirteen month old who has been unable to separate my bed from his, an eight year old who is going through a week of not wanting to sleep in his bed without the lights on and regular checks from his mother, and a nocturnal boyfriend who feels that we should have logical conversations after two in the morning.

I love to sleep. I remember after the break up of any of my numerous relationships I would sleep it off. I sleep when I am happy, I sleep when I am sad, hungry, full, whatever, I sleep. When I arrived from my life changing trip across the country, I could not wait to fall asleep in familiar territory, my old room. I slept the way I slept when I was a teenager, in my teenager room, on my teenager bed. I was home again. This is what sleep signifies to me it signifies being home again, letting your guard down and disappearing from the world and all its entrappings for a while, if I am lucky a long while.

Sleep renew the cells of the body, renews the mind and generates new thought. It provides answers to our long held questions and creates a new beginning for you each time you awake. At this moment all the children are in bed and I am heading to my therapy session with my therapist Pillow. I will see you when I awake tomorrow. Goodnight.

Transparent Parents

So much has been made about the subject of transparency. Its been said that we need a transparent government, a transparent financial system, transparent corporations with transparent practices. How about transparent parents? Should we as parents be completely honest with our children? Should our children see through our goals, desires, dreams and household business? When I think of transparency I think of communication. Communication is the vehicle you take to the destination of Transparency. So I communicated to get to the bottom of how my children felt about this subject?

I asked their appointed mouth piece, Lauren my 11 year old what she thought about mommy sharing in all honesty our household business; and since the financial crisis has been all over the news I decided to frame the conversation around our family finances. I asked her would she be interested in knowing what our financial situation was and how this affects her? She wanted to know the how this would affect her part. Her response surprised me, she said kids want to know some of your business, not too much nor too little. This was an Aha! moment for me. At that moment, I realized that children want normalcy, a middle ground, we think as parents that we have that if we speak to our children we have to go to the extreme and reveal everything, but that is a learned adult trait. Children know what a grey area is innately. Basically, answer the questions they ask as honestly as possible, not having to delve into areas that they are not ready for. I strongly believe that when they ask that means they are ready to know.

I then said to her if I explained our financial goals she would understand better how this trickles down to her, why mommy says no so much. She agreed. See my financial goals should also be theirs. If they and I own our goals they would be easier to achieve. Our conversation reinforced that children understand much more that we think they do. Mine understand whats going on even when I don't talk to them about it. So its better that I engage them in conversation regarding the things that affects their everyday lives and their future. When saying no to them for some of their requests, like going to the movies every weekend or purchasing an item every time we go shopping. I ask them to suggest something we can do as a family that's for free or I say lets bake cookies at home instead of buying something. They begin to feel powerful in the role they play in the family, part of the decision making process. When ever a financial goal is accomplished, I intend to celebrate with them, my partners for our progress and great accomplishment.

Racing towards the finish

I am moving a such a pace that its hard to breathe. I compare my life to driving with my boyfriend, who happens to be always in a rush or fancies himself to be competing in the Daytona 500. That's how I am living. Days are a flash, weeks fly by and months fade in my internal rear view mirror. Tonight as I took my shower, I wondered why is it that my life moves at such a pace. I know for a fact that my life moves faster because I am mother and mothers are built with vortex type engines. I also know that my life is busier now that I live in NYC. NYC is not for the weak, you are propelled along by this city. However, these aren't the only reasons I feel so much part of the Human Race, we all race along because we want to be the first, the fastest, the best and the brightest. Look at our choices in the cars be drive, our computer, our phones, all our accessories.

As I stood there I contemplated what exactly is it that I am racing towards, I began to see the absolute folly in my rush. To what end am I racing? The only inevitable end that awaits all humans is death. Why are we so preoccupied in getting to the end. As my children grow older they will eventually have lives of their own and I will eventually no longer be here to share their lives with them and all my other loves. Just knowing this gives me incentive to SLOW DOWN.

I am beginning to see that in this race through life we have been given the tools to slow down. Our awe of nature, our children, our families, our pets, our passion are all YIELD and STOP signs on our way. Whenever my mind is racing, I have noticed that I feel older, older in my thoughts and older in my body. My mind is ahead of my body. Whatever I feel that is what I am. If I slow my mind down to be present to the very moment we are in I will feel and act my age. If I can slow my mind down to be present with my children, then I will feel and act like them. Slowing my speed means that I can live to see more of the race.

I never knew how long the night was

So said my Zion. You see, Zion and his sisters decided yesterday to watch the movie Halloween secretly in their room. As such, last night was the longest night of my Zion's young life. I remember being 8, for that matter 28 and watching a "scary" movie, then again, I am easier scared than others. I am strictly drama, documentary and some comedy type of girl. Anyway, as he entered my room for the fifth time during the night, I had to remember how I felt when I was eight and watched Jaws. It was beyond my young reasoning as to why a shark, as a matter of fact that Shark would not live in any body of water including my bath. I never could have survived a movie like Halloween. So, I gave in and let my baby sleep in my room. Now, tonight the night came too quickly for his power of reasoning to grow and he can imagine his worst fears lurking in every recess of his room.

You see, the worst thing about fear is how fast it grows. It feeds upon its very self. It multiplies as we try to avoid looking at it in the eye. Once confronted it cannot grow. If you give in to the worst possible manifestation of your fear it will now be malnourished. At eight, eighteen even at even at my age we are all battling with our own fears. I asked Zion why he was not scared during the day and the answer was light. See fear loves the dark, the dark of the unenlightened mind, the dark of the ignorance, the dark of a child's unreasoning mind. As we grow we need to shine light on the deep recesses of our mind, eliminating fear.

Now there is such a thing as healthy fear, fear that prevents us from putting ourselves in harms way. However, when fear is coupled with faith and reason it can be eliminated. I am afraid in deep water. Why? Because I cannot swim. So reason prevents me from jumping in with out a thought. Faith and Reason are the weapons used to slay fear. If I could only convince Zion to reason with himself about the impossibility of the events he saw on screen happening tonight, and give him the faith that he will see tomorrow just fine, then I would have done my job. But I cannot, because the mind reasons with itself when its ready and strong enough, not when its weaken by the growing monster, fear. I once read, "To be alive is to know fear, to really live is to conquer fear!"

P.S. You know I had to punish them for watching a rated R movie, right?

I am a daydreamer

When I was little I would stand at my grandmother's back door in Guyana and watch as the Atlantic and the sky merged. She taught me that was the Horizon. I would watch the horizon for hours. This was my signal that the world was ok. I was an interesting child, a loner really who dwelled in my imagination. I pretended to be whoever I wanted and daydreamed most of my days away. I became engrossed in my play so much that being interrupted with the call for lunch was too much for me to bear. As I sat through lunch I already knew what I would be doing after my required afternoon nap; daydream and pretend some more. As I got older, I added a new joy to my hours of daydreaming pretending, writing. I was the only child in my family that kept a diary, so every night as became engrossed in recounting the days events, and my family honored my strange practice. Throughout my teen years I kept a journal, which I then realized that once shared, it's pretty much like being found naked beneath your covers, when you didn't want to be. Yet still, I wrote my teen life away. I had very few friends in high school and many in my imagination and continued to daydream. Then I entered my adult life. I had lovers then children, I worked full time and became what I thought was the lifetime goal for every woman, independent. I still day dreamed. I missed my journaling practice but became so afraid of the exposure that I stopped.

Then my most eventful relationship began, I can't remember ever being able to write what I was feeling the entire time, the feelings were too intense to put in writing and this is the beginning of how I became lost. I became lost in him, lost in the role I played as mother to my children and partner to a man with a large consuming personality. I couldn't remember who was the girl that stood at her grandmother's window. That was until I experience heartbreak. The kind of heartbreak that feels like your soul is ravaged, when you pray for night because the daylight is not meant for the brokenhearted. I know you know. I was broken, so I began journaling. I journaled morning, noon and night. I was living alone with the children and felt a trust that I would never be exposed and laid bare. And so I wrote, I wrote about all the things in my adult life that I could hardly stand to express even to myself, but now it all came out on these pages. Through writing and daydreaming, my version of mediation, I made a life changing decision to move across the country. And so I was born again. I was born again because I was able to learn to love and value the delicate girl who I was as a child. I began to return to a time that I was not molded by what everyone else desired for my life. I now know that I am free to return to that girl who daydreamed and pretended her life away. This is not saying that I don't have any responsibilities. I am a mother of three and I work full time, so of course I do. But I am able to daydream each day even if it's for just a few minutes, and recently I read an article that said to daydream a few minutes a day can add such an improved quality to your life. So dream on, pretend that you have the life you desire, let it become real to you and it will!

I am not alone and you are not alone

They are many times in life that I have felt alone. Alone in my thinking, physically alone and detached from another human being. It took me some time to realize that you are truly never alone. The divine surrounds and is within us and all around us. This amazing power is reflected in the best of way in our circle of friends.

Being on a different coast from one of my closest friends is most challenging to our friendship. We are both mothers of three and we are three hours apart, so when my day is ending her children are now coming home. This makes connecting with her very interesting. However, I know that she is thinking of me as I am of her. I know this because sometimes as I lay there thinking of her, my phone would ring and its her, likewise when I call she says I was just thinking of you. I have another friend who recently when I was experience some diffculity said to me on Monday morning, I was thinking of you all weekend. That meant that she was with me in spirit even thought we were not together. I am sure this has happened in your life as well. As a matter of fact, I am thinking about all of my friends. I am thinking about all of humanity. My fear are yours, my guilt are yours, my challenges are yours, or will soon become yours, my mercy, my forgiveness, my kindness, my humility, happiness and my love are yours. I say this with absolute certainty that we are all connected. I know this because in my lifetime, I have yet to express a fear or concern that has been original.

Knowing that your friend, mother, sister, or a soul you have not yet met understand you and your fears, you hopes and desires gives true comfort. When someone says to you I know how you feel please do not discount that. They probably truly know how you feel, we feel the same things. I know what it feels like when my girlfriends are tired, lonely, afraid to decide, unsure of what do next, overwhelmed, worried about their health, their children, etc. Not necessarily because I have gone through all of those emotions, although I have, but more so because I share their burden. When someone says I feel for you it takes it beyond just understanding what you are going through. Its a powerful moment when some feels what you feel. And sometimes in these situations there are no words need. Times like these provides us with a chance to express true humility, in realizing that we are not alone. We are all part of the greater whole. When one suffers we all suffer. In households, in extended families, in countries and in our universe.

Share yourself today, call your friend that might be experiencing a hard time and let her know that you more than understand what she is going through, you FEEL for her, and that she is not alone.

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness - Improve Breast health with your mind

Most of us have made the connection between our mental well being and our physical well being. I must admit it took me some time to see this. About five years ago this shift in thinking was clearly necessary. I was 32 years old and noticed a lump in breast. I was not one to frequent doctors, so the entire situation sacred me. I had a two year old and a five year old, so they of course were my priority. I was in a realtionship that revolved around the person I was with, his needs were always foremost. I never insisted that my needs should be met. I just gave in to what I thought would make the relationship work. I exented love freely and it was not always returned, I did not express my needs for fear I'd seemed too needy. I wanted to maintain the image of being independent and self reliant.

Realizing that the situtation that I was in was indeed serious, I went to the doctor who scheduled a biopsy and then followed with a lumpectomy. I can never forget the day of and the week leading up to the surgery. I kept my usual routine never letting anyone sense my fear. The morning of my surgery, I was more worried about who would watch over the children that day than what was about to happen. After the surgery and finding out that the diagnosis was a good one, of course I continued my schedule not stopping to further delve into any reasons this might have happened. Until of course, I went to class. See my herbal teacher was fill with compassion, but she was also a straight talker. When I told her why I had missed last weeks class she look at me and asked "Who are you nurturing and not nurturing yourself?" I knew right away what she was implying. I just simply smiled and made my way to my car. The entire ride home it all came out. From a child I have always been the nurturer in the family, caring about everyone else's feeling before my own. I was a quiet child and followed the notion that children should be seen and not heard extremely well. Now as an adult I continued this practice. I started to ask myself, could there be a connection in who I was and what was happening to me? Of course!!!

As I continued my herbal studies I became convinced that when working with someone to heal themselves you must heal any fractures in the spirit first. Today, this is the very theory on which my entire herbal practice is based; looking at the person as a whole, mind, body and spirit. This discovery made me hungry for any material I could get my hands on that linked your emotional state with your physical one. Now I am a firm believer that what goes on inside your mind is directly related to what goes on inside your body.

So for Breast Cancer Awareness month, I encourage you to continue with your breast self examinations and regularly schedule a mammogram. But most of all, I encourage all of us to nourish and nurture ourselves with love and joy. Stop putting everyone else's feelings ahead of our own. Stop over mothering, stop being overprotective of our children and stop having overbearing attitudes! The freedom that comes from this release toxins from our bodies not only making our breast healthier but our entire body and mind.

My life's billboard - Know Yourself and have Faith

Why is it so difficult to trust ourselves? We learn to trust our partners, our parents, co-workers and our children. However, many of us never learn to trust ourselves. This manifest in a circle of indecision. We are afraid to decide and stick with our decisions. We fear the unforeseen, unproven punishment that life will somehow dole out if only we decide one way or the other. There is no "perfect" decision. However, there might be a better decision for you if you know who you are.

I have been working on creating a vision for my life, and one of the questions in one of the many exercises I have to take is if you had to create a billboard and you could say anything on it what would you say? Aside from reminding everyone to vote, since this the single most important election of our young lives; I had to think for a minute. Then it occurred to me, my billboard would say, "Know Yourself and have Faith". Knowing who you are is paramount in the building of YOU. Each of us in our day to day life are gathering the tools necessary to build YOU. Knowing yourself is the foundation. Know what you want for your life and what you don't want.

I have learned that to know yourself you have to listen to your life. Hear the messages that are given to you each day. Stay connected with your feelings. Trust you intuition. If you trust and act on your intuition you will increase your self-esteem and build trust in yourself. We were taught at an early age to ignore our intuition, be more factual. Believe only what you can see and sometimes we have been taught to not to even believe that. We were also taught to put others feelings ahead of our own, when this happens we begin ignore our inner voice. We begin to listen to the chatter of others and this creates self doubt. How many times we have done something or avoided something because we went with our gut? On these occasions we may have been disappointed or delighted that we did trust our gut feeling. Practice this more and more each day with little things like what to eat, what movie to see and what book to read.

As we begin to trust ourselves we can then ask ourselves for the answers to our biggest decision and greatest problems. The we can look for the answers in the books we may have chosen to read, a comment by a parent, co-worker or friend. Or maybe even on TV or a movie. My most successful way of getting to know me is by journaling. Journaling provides a space to examine our most innermost thoughts and desires. This is the key to knowing YOU. Our dreams are also telling, if we cannot listen to the answers we receive during the day they may come to us at night in our dreams.

Trust yourself to manage the building of YOU. You are the CEO of your life and you have the most powerful partner at your disposal - GOD. The answers that you need you can find them within. More on faith and visioning later.

My Style and my Thoughts are being redefined

Each morning as I prepare to leave my house for my commute to work, I take one last look in the mirror to see if my reflection truly reflects my style. As I grow older my style is becoming more and more defined. There was a time that I received gifts in clothing or just had an item in my wardrobe that I felt compelled to wear. Not so any more. I wear nothing that doesn't make me feel as if I am standing in center of who I am. My clothing reflects me. Does this mean that I don't want gifts in clothing? Of course not!! I am becoming more and more transparent to my friends and family so they are able to make choices knowing who I am and what MY style is. As a matter of fact my closet shopping buddy says she can pick things out for me with her eyes closed:) Now that knowing someone!

As children we all had our favorite outfit and wish we could wear it over and over again. I bet the reason was that we truly felt while wearing that outfit a kind of comfort deep from our soul. I am returning to that feeling. When you are clothed in garments that lets your body shine, your soul shines also. You know that feeling!

Similarly, when we get to a certain age our thoughts need to be redefined. Our thoughts reflect who we are. As our clothing adorns our bodies, our thoughts adorn our spirit. When our thinking deeply recognizes with our soul, when our thinking aligns with the person that we've become, the world/universe notices.

We are bombarded with many thoughts on a daily basis. The challenge is knowing which one to hold on to and which to get rid of. Do our thoughts not fit us any more? Have we outgrown a particular way of thinking? Is it no longer our size? Have we received thoughts over our lifetime that keeps resurfacing? Like that old garment in the back of the closet that we wear on days that we have "nothing to wear", even though we know it not our style. We can tell those thoughts. How many times have we thought a certain way and think to ourselves, now thats not me. It more my mother, my father or some one of influence in our lives. Do our thoughts make us shine? Abandon thoughts that do not make us feel comfortable. Don't get too hung up on this either and make it harder that it truly is. Just stop thinking that way. Each time you do remind yourself that its like easy like changing your clothes. Strip out the old thoughts and pile on new, beautiful, sexy ones.

Despartately seeking Solitude

I have been planning, at least on paper, for months now a mini-vacation alone. By mini-vacation I mean a weekend. That's as long I could go with being away from Shiloh. As the days go by I feel more and more overloaded by the election, by wall street, by the job and by my children. Tonight, I heard my favorite Bob Marley song on the radio while driving home and wanted to have that feeling of being completely lost in the moment and time. Impossible when there are three children in your back seat. Just as he got to the part of the song that I most wanted/needed to hear an all out fight broke out between Lauren and Zion. Great! Now its to much to just listen to one song completely? Oh my god, I thought for a moment to just ignore it and focus on the song, FOCUS ON THE SONG!! I couldn't. It was then that realized that my live was completely and totally compartmentalized to maintain sanity. There is a compartment for when I am at work, one for when I am with the kids, one for when I am with my partner and a very small one for me. The feeling of wanting to run away overtook me again. The kind of runaway that takes you beyond your bath, your sacred space or that small window of time before everyone awakes. I wanted the day/days long runaway. I wanted to move at my own speed, write my own agenda, or have none at all. Answer to no one, be inaccessible and unable to be found if only for a spell. I want to get lost in my on solitude.

My day dreams are made of sleeping. Sleeping until well after noon, taking an afternoon nap and falling to sleep at seven in the evening. Drinking sleep tea, soothing my nerves with skullcap and passionflower, laying on a pillow filled with lavender blossoms, on sheets that feel like heaven and sleeping some more. Your feeling of sleep deprivation may not be as intense as mine. So your runaway may be dedicated to different pursuits. All the same. As woman we are overachievers. Giving ourselves the short end of the stick every time. I hope this reminds you to make a promise to yourself to slow down, take your time, focus on the present and see the magic of nature in all creation daily. And when you can run for the hills - ALONE!!!

Surrender is not a dirty word

For the last year but more so over the past few months I have been working on my surrender. Waving my white flag to signify my defeat in directing what happen next in my life, the life my children and my relationships. What I have come to learn is that surrender could be the greatest gift I can give myself.

Webster defines surrender as to yield to power, control, possession of another upon compulsion or demand. For a woman who considers what she knows of herself to be an independent person, this is a task. Like many of my friends, I have spent many nights tossing in bed not being able to turn off the brain. I have felt that only me can provide all the answers to my life's greatest mystery/challenge. I have felt that the more I think about the problem the solution would somehow materialize. Oh boy, what power I thought I had.

Realizing that you not can control the very next second of your life puts all of the self torture in to perspective. My life, my health, my sanity demanded and compelled me to master the art of surrender. I realize now that almost all if not everything is out of my control. I realize that I must act with faith and trust in the knowledge that the best solution to my problems will come when I relinquish control. The act of yielding power to the possession of another can bring you true freedom. This freedom comes from knowing that other has your best interest at heart. If you believe in God, Buddha, or another higher power, then you must believe that you are always being guided to your best life. With that reassurance, I can lay my day's needs, desire, dreams and wants all out at night, surrender the notion of control and yield these concerns to the possession of another and fall asleep knowing that today is over there is nothing I can do to change what has already happened and tomorrow will be a new day a fresh start to a new life.

I am a free range mother rasing free range kids

There has been much talk about raising free range kids. Free range kids are children who are basically are given the same freedoms we had. Check out the website www.freerangekids.com. I have to say I agree with this theory. I agree that today's children are not given the necessary freedoms to develop into wise decision making, independent souls. I saw the author of the article on Dr. Phil who gave her nine year old a subway card and a map entrusted him to take the train on a bright Sunday afternoon from Bloomingdale's to home. A trip he had taken many times with his parents. The only difference this time he was taking it alone. Well, many were up in arms. Needless to say, the nine year old did just fine, he made it home.

Here's my take. We are conditioned to see our children as incapable of independent thought and action. Children have an amazing capacity to make intelligent decisions. I watch three of them do that every day. Lauren is 11 and travels to and from school on the subway. She has a cell phone and knows how to use it. Its her responsibility to get Zion to school on time and pick him up in the afternoon. I can't say it was not difficult on the first day of school when this schedule took effect. However, I have learned to trust both of them that they will do as we discussed.

Learning how to trust your children, however is an art. An ever evolving one. The time will come soon rather than later however that we will need to trust them, so I encourage you to start early. Listening to what they have to say is key. Give them guidance, help them feel secure and safe. Balancing guidance and freedom is delicate thing. Discipline is necessary. Discuss stranger danger with your children, help your children to understand how to commute in busy intersections and other traffic laws and respect them.

Children need freedom to play, discover there imagination, become an adventurer, find their wings. Connecting with nature is key to a child's health. Let your children play outside. Yes, even in NYC. Do remember as children feeling ill and then going to play outside? Your illness disappeared as if by magic. The magic of sunshine, rain, dirt, and PLAY.

I speak and the universe listens....

My obsession with menstruation this past weekend all culminated last night. My dear Lauren (with whose permission I post this) looked shyly through my room door and said Mommy come I need you. I also knew instinctively, what it was. I was mortified, why, because I wanted to do right by her during this amazing transition. As I walked into her bathroom, I calmed myself and showed her the necessary ways of taking care of herself. You know, here is pad this is how you use it, etc. Oh, you have school on Monday, this is what you do between periods. I need to write the homeroom teacher at note, etc.

As I left her to take a shower. I realized how happy I was to be here with my daughter as she took this giant leap from little girl in to a young woman. I prepared in my head many times for this and now its go time. I knew some where in all my recipes I had the "Moon-Time Tea" written down. Oh man, if I could just find it. When Lauren was a little girl, I knew I wanted to have for her a Moon-time ceremony, now with her permission I have to plan it.

As a mother who's own menstruation was never explained to her other than the practical nature of things. I know that I have to help Lauren understand that her menstrual cycle is not just a messy interference in her daily life. There is joy to be had in this new phenomenon. The fear and apprehension in her eyes was telling. Could it be all the commercials we see in mass media that promotes this aspect of ignoring menstruation, stopping it completely, or the lady in the bikini at the beach who shuns mother nature when she appears, that has made so many of our young women view our periods as an inconvenience and dirty. I understand her fears and share them, overnight Lauren begins the metamorphosis from a girl to a woman. Overnight she enters the realm of fertility and can become pregnant.

When I look around I see that there are many book and much written to support women in their phases of life, pregnancy, menopause, etc. But there is a need to have material that supports our young women in this most important stage of their life. A young woman now needs to know how to handle added stress, and dramatic hormonal changes. These changes have to be recognized by her "community". As such, with her permission. You know, not to be the embarrassing mom. I will be planning her moon time ceremony.....

Menstruation Metaphor for Life

Today I talked to a friend of mine who period was late. We talked about the usual suspects, could you be pregnant, maybe not, maybe your stressed, just wait a few day it'll come. When did you have yours? Mine is just a few days after, etc. By the way how many of us determine our cycle based on that of our closest friends? I am sure more that we know, its just a girl thing. Anyway, as I walked away from that conversation I began to ponder...... does your period reflect what is happening in your life. Is menstruation a metaphor of our life? Well lets see, do you have heavy, painful periods when you are are experiencing a heavy painful period in your life? I know this is true for me. Does you period drag on for days, when maybe you need to time to honor you instead of resuming your normal schedule. True again. Does bring to head all the areas in your life that you may be feeling distress? True yet again.

How many of you chart your cycles? Knowing when your period should begin and end. Knowing when your period should occur and welcoming this change in your life every twenty-eight or so days , can bring a change in the actual way we experience our periods. In my studies I have come to learn that your menstrual cycle is a time to rebuild your reserves, let go of pent up emotions and honor your body. Sort of your monthly built in therapy/rest time. Nature is so good.

Lets do this, lets begin by charting our periods. Start to keep a calendar for the last day it ended and count forward. You will then begin to see how many days your cycle runs. Once we discover this we can then begin to learn to heal ourselves during this time.

P.S. Did you know there are herbal remedies to bring a delayed menses? This is an entire next blog.

Overwhelmed mothers on Oprah - I could've been there

So Oprah did her show today on overwhelmed mothers as I sat and watched I felt like many other mothers out there that recognized with what we saw. So much to do in a day that my mid day you completely moving mechanically not so much pay attention to what we are doing as much as we are paying attention on what needs to be done.

This leads me back to my "Herb Room", the herb room to me represents my center. It pulls me back to the now and defines what is truly important. In that room I feel that I love my children, my work, my life so much more.

Every woman needs her "Herb Room", you, me we all need a place that is a no combat zone in our homes. We need a ritual that defines who we are and what our beliefs are, our purpose and helps us discover our soul.

Creating a ritual can seem difficult at first. Ritual....what is that. Think of it as something that you can do every day at the same time that quiets you and honors your soul. Do you have enough time to burn sage, frankincense, incense and say a prayer? That a ritual. You can now build on that as time permits. The expert that Oprah had today on her show said to wake up a few minutes early, before the stampede of children, to have that time. I have worked on this principle (waking up early) for years, on and off. The times that I have felt the most grounded have been the "on" times never the "off."

Of course, being a new mom with a son that sleeps better in the morning hours than all night, a few minutes each morning seems like hours of missing sleep. So I find time to honor myself at night. What is my ritual? I simply burn an herb depending on the mood and then I drink, tea and draw a card from my herbal cards and concentrate on the message of that specific herb. It truly lays the ground work for the next day. Please let me know what you have been doing in creating me time, ritual in your lives. More on that later...

My Herb Room

When I moved to my new apartment, there was no compromise. I wanted a room of my very own. My herb room is my sanctuary. Its bright yellow and filled with a plethora of herbs. Its sunny and the favorite spot for my cat, Oreo. Every time I think of my herb room I am pleased, my days should be spent in there learning, experimenting and meditating. I am working on setting up a section of the room just for meditation an alter of sorts to my personal development and feeding my soul. I have all the herbs I would need for the care and keeping of my family and I have the books to do the research.

Now the reason I am sharing this, is I can't quite figure out why I don't spend more time in my favorite room of the house. Now if you live in New York City, I am sure you know the sacrifice it takes to dedicate an entire room to your passion. So far, my children have gone alone with this deal with no one staking claims to my sanctuary. I am making a pledge to send more quality time with my herbs in my special place regardless of the hectic schedule that takes over my life. I want to lite a candle, burn incense, read a book and make a formula all tonight before I go to sleep and its now midnight. I think of my morning and then I say goodnight and crawl into bed next to Shiloh for another night of some sleep. On that note, family bed, yes or no? More to come....

All the things to be done

Now that I have introduced you to Zion, today belongs to him. Zion is adventurous and loves to ride his bike. As such, he's been riding all summer and dealing with every thing that comes from racing down the side walk at speeds that I can't bring myself to look at. Well today, one of our older neighbors jumped on his pegs while he was in motion. The they both hit the sidewalk. So tonight I spent my time nursing a huge black and blue bruise on this thigh. At this moment, I realized that I wish I had soaked the Arnica that I bought some time ago. I need Arnica Oil! Why did I procrastinate knowing that I would need it sooner that later especially with Zion's deep love of dangerous activity.

Arnica duty is to heal and soothe muscle aches, reduce inflammation, and heal wounds. It is often the first remedy used for injuries such as sprains and bruises. Arnica should not be used internally. For city moms, as I am the best way to have on hand is a great arnica salve that takes minutes to apply and work wonders for all the bumps and bruises of summer. If you are in to making your own the best way to start is to make Arnica oil. Purchase your Arnica from a well known herbal supplier and immerse in olive oil for 4-6 weeks in a sunny window. Once the oil is made, prepare a simple salve with beeswax. You won't be sorry for its uses will be plenty.